в первый день зимы пошла девочка йуля на кладбище, проведать бабушку. она, понятное дело, была уже давным-давно не девочка. шестой десяток, как-никак. и бабушка давно покоилась с миром на кладбище, расположенном на окраине сказочного леса, возле борда «победа дрочевского». напекла йули в духовом шкафу bosch пирожков с капустой и чьими-то яйцами. смазала их сверху маслицем roshen. сразу на кухне запахло пальмами и почему-то дерьмом шимпанзе из киевского зоопарка.
having put the finished products in a basket, yulia thought a little and added an icon lamp and a bottle of good cognac infused with fir cones to the cemetery food set. with cones and in the fresh air, the cognac should go especially well. yet they do this when they go to the cemetery. more precisely, they drive.
the autobahn, built by hares to the cemetery, allowed the yule to rush to the edge of the forest in a matter of minutes. and then there was a picturesque pit, in which, contrary to all the laws of physics, an asphalt roller was crying alone. apparently, the money withdrawn from the "crown" fund ended abruptly. having made a sound signal, yulia briskly climbed over the gully and, having orientated herself on the "google-map", confidently walked north. she was an advanced girl, so she closely followed high-tech news and trends. recently changed my iphone to xiaomi and loaded tik-tok.
the fairy-tale forest met the fairy-tale grandmother with a harsh howl of the wind in the thicket and the smell of haze, in which vanilla notes were clearly felt. "h ... se! - thought yulya. - someone is playing with a wipe. " indeed, from the dry raspberry bushes puffs of smoke escaped, which the wind cheerfully twisted into a spiral and carried away to her ... yum. “there is no need to go there,” thought an experienced grandmother and, naturally, flooded ahead. the right louboutin, as expected, came across a comfortable stone. since the granny's center of gravity was extremely low, with a short but energetic cry, the yul rammed the thorny thickets.
- sho, again ?! - a familiar hoarse voice rang out over her ear, somewhat similar to the voice of the late dzhigarkhanyan. fumbling for fashionable dior's glasses in the layer of leaves, plastic bottles and some frozen shit, yulia focused her eyes. a gray wolf was hunched over on a tree stump in clouds of smoke. there was a benevolent but clearly mocking expression on his face. inhaling especially strongly, he culturally directed the jet of smoke to the side.
- help? the wolf asked tactfully, shamelessly staring at the butt of the grandmother, who was in an interesting pose. yulia quickly took a horizontal position, pulled on the fallen louboutin and began frantically looking around in search of the basket.
- near the log lies, - orientated the grandmother gray and quietly ruined the air.
- i would be ashamed, wolf, in front of the lady l ... t! - made a remark to the animal yulya and began to collect scattered pies.
- with cabbage? - asked the wolf and inhaled.
- yes, - the former girl answered and sniffed. - wipe?
- aikos, - the gray answered with a note of reproach, - the hares taught. their chief used to get so high that he ran around with red eyes and shouted "baba-da". and in appearance - a nerd nerd. only green.
yulia finally came to her senses after the fall, sat down opposite the wolf on a tree stump and adjusted her glasses. for a while old acquaintances were silent. it always happens when the devil knows how long, so much has happened, and where to start - dick knows.
- do you want? - broke the suspended silence, during which about two "avakovs" and one "gerashchenko", a gray wolf, were born. - he stuffed the cartridges with forest herbs.
gray loaded a new cigarette, waited for a green light to appear on the device, and handed it to grandmother.
- i don't smoke! - said yulya and inhaled deeply, blowing smoke through her right nostril. - do you ... want a pie?
- otherwise! just come on without eggs this time. the last time your grandma was alive, i squatted for half a day, ”the wolf joked awkwardly and crunched a pie.
- b ... what the hell did you grease them?
- roshen oil. one huckster from the maldivian palms drives. they say that it is very organic and environmentally friendly.
- we also had one like this ... got drunk on mushrooms, and then tried to get a squirrel in the hollow, - the wolf answered inappropriately, watching the arrival of the yuli.
my grandmother was led specifically. the eyes became clouded, the wrinkles in the corners of the eyes smoothed out, and the right hand senselessly began to sort out the pies in the basket.
- you are not a part, - gave good advice gray.
- listen, what are you stuffing cartridges with? they are some kind of zaboristy.
- grass is, yulya, just grass. have you heard about legalization? ahead of, b ... t, time. recently in the forest there was a survey, so everyone said that they didn't care. so i grow it little by little.
- grass-ants, - the grandmother giggled and playfully looked sideways at the gray wolf. he even got embarrassed and nervously tried to scratch the right one ... but changed his mind. lady all the same, and he actually sits without panties.
the silence of the forest was broken by a sharp squeal and a guttural grunt. right in front of the yule was a playful, glamorous bunny with a pink ponytail. he wagged him invitingly and looked around. a huge black boar in a fur hat was making its way through the raspberry patch. the hare feigned fright and jumped under the tree. a huge carcass in a yellow briony suit two sizes smaller swept past yuli and the wolf. the bunny waited a little and jumped under another tree.
- what is this catch-up? - yulia asked, making sure that the boar chasing the glamorous hare was not glitches at all.
- they've got mating games, - the wolf explained and spat in the direction of the hiding boar. - the third day they drive ... will soon catch up.
indeed, almost nearby there was the intermittent guttural roar of a wild boar, which mingled with a thin but characteristic squeal of a hare. everything lasted thirty seconds. then there was a fading wheeze, and someone with a georgian accent demanded a cigarette.
- the wild boar was shot, - the gray wolf stated and tried to scratch himself again. but changed his mind.
- so it's december, what kind of mating games? - the grandmother was surprised and puffed.
- southern guys, hot ... fuck everything that moves. this one is crazy about bunnies. lizonka drives. everyone thought she was fashionable, that is, a lesbian, but that's how it turned out ...
- it's fun here ... - yulia remarked vaguely.
- and you often look at our district, you will see enough of this that then you will not be able to fall asleep without vodka. what time, by the way, is it?
yulia turned on her mobile phone and searched there for a watch for a long time. first i loaded the discount program of the gas station, then the "tinder" ... out of habit, the granny began to turn on. finally, turning off the lights on the phone, she found what she was looking for: “december 1! that is, almost two ... ".
- oh! wait begins! - announced some unknown events gray. indeed, some commands echoed into the megaphone: "one minute readiness, everyone to leave the launch pad, report readiness for launch!"
yulia looked questioningly at the gray. he made a vague gesture with his paw. they say, wait, you will see everything yourself, and began to fill the device with a new cartridge marked with three lumps. grandmother prepared for the unexpected. but all the same what happened took her by surprise. there was a deafening bang in the forest. no not like this. deafening f ... lo! the flash was reflected in yuli's glasses and for some time blinded the grandmother. she did not see how the fat boar with a thin squeal, continuously chewing on his tie, ran into the hollow with a running start. a bunny with a pink ponytail was bustling next to me.
- everything is already, you can open your eyes ... the first one went, - the gray wolf commented mysteriously.
- what was that? !!
- moon exploration program "artemis". hares muddied. they get drunk on peas and every day, exactly at two, they launch a perdonaut on a satellite of the earth. recently they have been actively experimenting with rocket oxidizer. they eat cabbage. perdonauts' efficiency increased dramatically. so here he is flying, our space ...
next to a boar stuck in a hollow, a creature with a burning fart has landed. looking closely, the animal could be recognized as a hare in a pan that looked like a helmet, with the inscription “digitalization” in the area of the burnt tail. after lying down for a while, the perdonaut jumped up briskly on his paws, swayed and shouted: “krivbassssss! mama! dad!!! mother-in-law !!! dog!!!" and fell from the feeling that gripped him.
- by the way, did you not pick up the "crown"? - the wolf asked not in the subject, indifferently watching as the arriving rescue team consisting of three birds with one stone in camouflage loads the perdonaut into the baby carriage.
- huh ?! - yulia woke up. involvement in the development of the moon slightly unsettled her.
to be continued ...
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